Angry as hell

Bare with me on this one... (parents who are reading aloud to your children, be prepared to edit/explain)

I am angry. The most angry I have been in as long as I can remember. It's the kind of anger that burns deep in your stomach. Every muscle tightens. You're on alert. Ready to go.

I woke up this angry on Thursday. It's stuck.

Wednesday night I had a dream. It was about Kwe. We had just brought him home and he was sleeping. He was so exhuasted. He slept all night and all day and all the next night. While the hours slipped by I kept asking Chad to go check on him, every 15 minutes. Make sure he is breathing. Make sure he is ok. I was bursting with excitement for him to wake up so that we could do all the things I had been waiting years to do. When I passed by his room, he was in his bed. But in my dream, I never saw his face. I knew he was there but I couldn't quite get to him. There was some invisible barrier that kept me from swooping him up. This dream repeated itself for what seemed like hours. All night it drug on.

I woke up angry.

I'm still angry.

I'm more than angry.

I'm losing my patience for how long this is taking, because it's in the hands of humans who either benefit from it dragging out, are fearful of pushing too hard, or just meet road block after road block. I'm terrified that he is going to be 10 before I really see him in a bed in our home. I just read the angry rant of another woman who met her children when they were 6 & 7 years old and they will both be 10 soon. She has made as much progress as we have...  And there are so many other families who have been waiting years beyond what our days add up to. They are here, they are in country, they are fighting, crying, screaming out to God for direction and peace and clarity. I cant imagine how they are coping...because I cant even wrap my mind around my own current sanity (emphasis on current).

We found out today that Kwe recently had malaria. He was sick and we werent there. The words were written with an err of normalicy. Just another day in the life of an African, right? No big deal. WELL, ITS A BIG DEAL TO ME! We were told that he is struggling in school and doesn't seem motivated. DUH!!!! Let me write an effing blog post about the top 100 reasons why that might be!!!  It makes me sick that Kwe isnt here. And that we arent there. I could literally vomit thinking about the thousands of other children that dont even have a "here"! Sometimes the weight of what I know and what I have seen runs me over. Like the biggest, scariest, heaviest truck you could ever imagine in your worst nightmare. And I'll never have the freedom to bask in the bliss of ignorance again. Even if I stab my out eyes, I can't make myself be as blinded as before. It makes me want to toss aside everything, every part of my life, to go be there. It keeps me awake at night. It greets me in the morning with a rage that claws for action.

Sometimes I want to scream "shame on you!" to the world, whose silence allows this to happen, who mostly sits back and gawks like it's the latest horror flick. "Now, now...that isn't fair to all the people who are doing lots of good things in the world". You're right. Im sorry. I mean to specifically target those who pat themselves on the back for ____ (fill in the blank) and then two minutes later turn back to their lives of excess and waste.

...Then I realize that the finger points right at my own face too...

Here is the truth. There are millions of children around the world who feel alone. They sit in one system or another. Foster Care in the US, an orphanage in Africa or China or Guatemala. Everything we know tells us that children who grow up in these places, who don't make meaningful relationships and connections with caring adults, who don't have adequate nutrition and health care, typically don't turn into healthy, productive members of society. They land in the justice system, they exhaust themselves battling substance use disorders and mental health issues, and many of them die...far to early.

How is every educated person in the world not in an uproar about this?!?!? We should be demanding answers and action and resolution. We should be going to college to learn how to change this. All the media should be covering how this has directly impacted the US economy and the never-ending war in Syria and the genocide in the Congo and on and on and on!  Every resource should be diverted to resolve this social injustice that destroys us from the inside out!

(catching my breath...that was a lot of exclamation points) Whew!

So yes, I am infuriated that children are exploited and tossed aside and used for political and financial gain. Period. There is no prettier way to say it. 

Im pissed that Kwe isnt here to build a snow man, and he probably wont be here to see it melt or to see the grass start to grow or to watch the dogs chase squirrels in the backyard on the first warm day of spring. 

This isnt fair.

This isnt acceptable.

And I am losing my patience.

The line between respecting cultural norms / "the process" and what is in the best interest of my son is getting VERY blurry.

Mama bear is about to loose her sh**! Play time is over.

Blowin' off the dust

Yikes! This is really getting out of hand!! Two months since the last post?!?! I can hardly believe it.

A lot has happened in the last handful of months, and maybe some day ill type about it all, or maybe you'll have to wait for the book that Chad has insistently reminded me I am meant to write.

How about we start with the adoption updates, since that is why you are really here anyway. :)

Since the last post, we blew through the December court date with a cancelation. 6th hearing was scheduled in late January. We really thought that was going to be the one. Our Power of Attorney had been able to confirm with the Judge who was filling in 2 days a week in our district. Multiple confirmations were made including on the day before our hearing.  Our POA drove the long and bumpy road to pick up Kwe and our attorney made a 2 hour drive to be there. All just to be told that the Judge left to attend a funeral.

~ enter long and dramatic sigh ~

So, our 7th hearing is now scheduled for February 25, which is interestingly enough, the day we chose as his birthday. He will be 5 (ish) and "celebrating" another year with no recognition, no party, no cake and no family.

It's getting harder to be excited about each new hearing. Its much easier to be cynical. I think to myself, "what possible reason will we hear next?"

On a much happier note, we made the tough decision to travel to Ghana in March.  I say it was tough because we had to weigh out the pro's and cons of how it could effect Kwe. He may have forgotten about us by now. Ignorance is bliss, right? We certainly dont want him to begin thinking we are just weird people who pop in and out of his life a couple times a year. With the help of our adoption caseworker we decided that the opportunity to bond, explain and build a connection always trumps the fear of confusion and uncertainty. We will remind him of who we are and what his future holds.

We also made the decision partly on timing. Flights are cheap this time of year because it's their summer (heeeelloooo 90 degrees and sunshine!) and we have been fortunate to make some connections that will keep the rest of the travel costs very low. I also have significant vacation time saved from the last couple years and if I dont use it by the end of September I will lose it.

Lastly, it will have been 8 months since we were there and we miss it. Greatly. We miss Kwe the most and his adorable little face, and his selfless heart and his tiny hands. But there are a lot of other things we miss too: The beautiful, peaceful, welcoming people, and the smell of Ghana (impossible to describe), the food, the history and culture...we just miss it all. We feel it calling to us. Getting louder.

Now that we committed and booked the flight we are beyond excited! I seriously cant wait. I think about it every 10 minutes (or more frequently).  We plan to stay in Accra, the capitol and explore on our own. We are becoming confident travelers and have talked to enough people that we believe we can navigate the city without a guide. We will be mindful of common safety concerns and ever aware of our surroundings but we wont let fear hold us back. Our POA will still assist us in visiting the orphanage and we will probably hire a private driver for a few outings but we are boldly going to the art market and the grocery store and the beach. We want to see some new things!

There is so much to do! Orphanage donations to collect, lodging and travel plans to make, lots of things to wrap up here... Time to get on it!!! Kwe doesnt even know what's about to him!

Some Progress

Wow, has it really been over a month since my last post?!?!

Its been an interesting few weeks... Someday maybe ill write about all the pieces of what has been going on but for now ill focus on just two of them.

1. WE HAVE A COURT DATE!!! After months of no progress we are finally seeing some movement. The Director of Social Welfare in the region where our case was originally filed is holding his stance on not processing any cases during the suspension. So, our attorney decided to withdraw our case from that court and file it in another court. We were promptly given a court date of December 17th! As long as this director writes and submits the social enquiry report by this date, we could finally be Kwe's legal parents. Our attorney seems optimistic and I dont think he would have made this move if he didnt feel pretty confident.

2. Also this month I have been processing a huge career change. Due to significant federal budget cuts, my position is being eliminated. This came as a huge shock to me and has been difficult to work through. I love my job and my team and saw myself being there for a long time. It is incredibly difficult to be told that you can no longer do what you love. I was very fortunate though to be offered a few different options and one specifically that leadership really wanted me to consider. I have decided to accept that position and will be doing performance improvement, data quality/reporting and donor development for the agency. This is definitely a shift for me but I will be learning critical skills in agency administration and meeting lots of awesome people!

That's our updates! Short and sweet...not very eloquent but its something!

Back on the wagon

This past week has been exceptionally rough...

Last Monday, the first day of week 3, started with promise. I was feelin' good! Got to work early thinking I would have a couple hours uninterrupted to get some serious work down. BUT, upon my arrival there was a meeting already waiting at my door.

More budget cuts. Significant ones. The kind that potentially force you to lay off really amazing people.  The kind that make you wonder about the security of your own job...

It was pretty much a downward spiral from there. Late nights (cough...cough - later mornings), less healthy eating, no time to run...feeling defeated.

It's funny how quickly 'failure' invites itself into your home and life. You hear the knock and crack open the front door. Your head sticks out and you look around for who it might be, but you don't even notice the little creeper sneaking in around your feet. Jerk.

Yesterday, I was feeling especially gross. My stomach hurt, I felt disconnected and distant from everyone, nothing was going particularly awesome.

So, I recommitted.

But I needed to make a few adjustments to my original plan. Specifically, I am now getting up at 6 instead of 5. It took me a few weeks to convince myself that this wasn't failure or laziness but that my reasoning was sound. Getting up at 5 required me to go to bed between 9:30 and 10. Many nights, Chad would have just gotten home an hour before that so we were consistently having less time just to catch up on life. Not healthy for our relationship. I felt less safe running at 5 as there is literally no one up and about yet. 6 is so much different! Restaurants are opening, lots of people are driving around and I can catch a buzz from the blossoming city energy. That extra hour of sleep minimizes my 'crash' in the afternoon and allows my brain to function from the hours of 7-9pm.

6am is better for my lifestyle, my marriage and my mental health.

I listen to NPR or TEDtalks podcasts while I run in an effort to learn some new nugget each day. This morning I heard a social researcher tell me that "blame is a way of discharging pain and discomfort". That really struck me. Especially because self blame and judgment come so easily for me and usually result in even higher standards for myself.

So today I commit to just being. Being where I am- which not only means fully accepting the tweaks above but also in what God is doing in other areas of my life. This experiment has reminded me that I can't get so caught up in waiting for Kwe, wishing he was here, and being excited for our future family that I miss out on the work that God has for me today.

"Only I [God] know what will happen to you this day. I have arranged the events you will encounter as you go along your way." - Jesus Calling

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10 

Laughing at God...and being forgiven for it.

A few months ago, in the thick of waiting to hear on our next scheduled court date, Chad boldly shared a conviction that Kwe would be home by Christmas and we would have started our second adoption.

You can imagine how far my big mouth dropped.

I felt like Chad was much more spiritual and disciplined and trusting so I hoped it was true. I wanted to believe it. As the weeks rolled by, he stuck to his guns. Then a week or so ago, he reiterated his confidence to me and with a hint of anger in my raised voice, I proudly proclaimed that "I JUST DONT AGREE WITH YOU!" (To which he simply said "ok", and went on his way). Gggrrrr.....

Fast forward to a few days ago. He tells me how the story of Abraham and Sarah has come up several times. While I believe that God can speak to us through these "coincidences", I blew it off saying "oh ya, a story about being patient and waiting for God. Got it. Blah blah blah".

(Pause: You know how I feel about being honest. Please don't judge, just keep reading. Unpause.)

So this morning, when our Pastor announces that the sermon is about Abraham and Sarah and how bitterness can turn to comedy, I scolded myself, quickly apologized to God and sat up a little straighter. Intrigued about what I was to get out of this. Since this was partly about God's sense of humor, our Paster told us a few jokes (which are somehow always more funny coming from a pastor).

The message specifically targeted these Genesis chapter 17: 15-17 & 18:9-15. He explained how Abraham and Sarah, who were both super old, laughed (until literally falling over) when God told them they would be having a baby. Nursing home turns maternity ward, right?!?! But instead of getting angry, it seems like God laughed back and says "try me!". Of course it happened as God had said, and He even chooses the baby's name, Isaac, which means "he laughs".

All the while, I am remembering the times I have "laughed" at Chad (and really at God) with my lack of faith and compounding doubts, jealous of how trusting and relaxed he can be. Haven't I been just like Sarah??? Maybe these last few months wouldn't have turned out differently if I had trusted God more fully and maybe the next few months wont go any differently because I am learning this lesson now...but it certainly changed something. It changed me.

It was truly one of the best sermons I have ever heard and if you are interested you can listen to it here:  Son of Laughter (by David Beelen).

He closed the message by reminding us all that God chose us. The broken. The sinful. The doubting. The undeserving. He said it's like "being called to play volleyball, but you are just a midget! The only thing you can spike is punch!" - Bahahahahahaha..... Yup! I teared up I was laughing so hard....I'm still cracking up.

Where we're at

We have learned a lot this past week or so about where our adoption case currently sits, who and what is restricting progress, and what people/the world says our future looks like.

So here's the skinny. The 411. The down low.

Our case has been completed, reviewed and is sitting on the desk of the new-ish Social Welfare Director in the Central Region of Ghana. Unlike his predecessor  he is cautious, fearful maybe, of the possible repercussions of filing a case in court during the "suspension".

Now remember (or hear me if this is new to you) that this "suspension" is completely illegal! One person in Ghana has effectively halted international adoption without ever amending or enacting a law. This is very much outside of her scope but fear and money are powerful weapons and when used with purpose, vision and energy, they have the power to change a country.

Additionally, our US Embassy, for a multitude of reasons, has upheld this "suspension" and communicated no desire to call it out as what it is: ludicrous.

We have received confirmation, in a few different forms, that our case will not be moving forward until the suspension has lifted. There is a lot of rumor that this could happen as soon as November but some highly respected, and connected, people in the adoption community say they are not confident it will come to fruition for some time yet.

Yesterday, our worker assured us that the agency has given clear directive to the in-country staff to file our case under the "emergency" clause. When approved (rarely) his clause allows adoptions to move forward for cases where the child:

• Has special needs or medical conditions
• Could "age out" of eligibility (meaning they are nearing the age 16)
• Are being adopted by biological relatives

We are specifically filing under the special needs clause, arguing that the trauma he has endured (abuse, neglect, abandonment) has had a profound emotional impact and that he needs therapy, stability and a family. I am not sure if our Power of Attorney will actually get to "argue" any of this though. From what I understand, there is a man. A man who sits behind a desk. This man reviews the file and makes a determination based on his perspective of the child's health, physically and otherwise.  I am praying for this man. Will you pray for him?

It's a long shot.  It's our agency's last ditch effort. We will have pursued every connection, every person, every article that we have found. There will be nothing else to do except wait. Wait for the government in a developing country where poverty, bribery, corruption and evil poke its way into the abundance of beauty, resilience and hope that is Ghana.  

This is where we're at.

I survived: Week 1

So today is Day 9. I know. You weren't sure you would ever read another word typed by me. Shockingly, I am still alive. Even more shocking, I haven't turned into a grouchy, mean, exhausted old lady (riiiight Honey???).

I wonder if anyone has been curious about how this week has been going. And if you are, I am guessing you are also really hoping I am not going to write about how enlightening it has been to see the world at 5 am or how I get the warm and fuzzies as I crawl into bed at 9:30 at night thinking about running in the cold, dark early morning.

Bahahahahahahah

Nope!

You know I prefer the truth. In all its grit and gore.

So here are some of the details (in respect of your time, I cant touch on every aspect of my "plan" but will rotate topics):

Monday: started out like a rock star. Ran, read, prayed, had a breakfast of champions, got to work early and had huge expectations for all the things I was going to accomplish....and that's when we fell apart. Crisis after crisis all morning sucked away all my hopes and dreams for the day. That day at work ranked in the top 5 most stressful and least satisfying days at my current job.

Tuesday: decided to kick Monday in the butt and run again. Chad ran with me. Twisted his ankle half way thru the run and we walked the rest of the way home. Read, prayed, etc. Felt tested (on day 2??? Really, give me a break!!!). That evening I went out with a few friends who noticed my mood and said something that really struck me: just be careful that you don't punish yourself for something that is out of your control. Whoa! Deep. Sharp. So real and true for me (sometimes) but never said so directly. (I could write an entire post on this)

Wednesday: Walked the dogs at 5 am. Laughed at their confusion. Read, prayed, etc. Received some encouragement in unexpected ways. Had a 4 hour "restructure" meeting at work that laid out an entire job change for me. Surprised I didn't feel more stoked about it, considering its everything I asked for. Felt drained and disconnected.

Thursday: Had the day off. Unpaid furlough. Felt like an unproductive, half-member of society. Got a lot accomplished but still felt like something very important to me had been taken away. Got a little angry. Saw God use it anyway to make me available for a conversation about faith with the most unexpected person.

Friday: Up for 2 hours in the middle of the night responding to crisis at work (of course I was on-call too this week!). Struggled to get up. Felt tired. Pulled myself together for the fall cleaning day at work. Got a HUGE boost of energy and hope when we received an update and new pictures of Kwe (So wish I could share with you. He had THE biggest smile!).

Thru all this, I still found something each day to be grateful for and a small success to journal about. I found it a tiny bit easier to ask for and expect my strength to come from God and not myself. I feel something changing...ever so slightly. I am excited to see what's time come. Intrigue is growing over what will happen in these next few months.

There is something awesome about making it through Day 8.

Sure, sticking to your plan for a whole week is amazing and gratifying but once you have made it thru that 8th day you have crossed over into some new level of commitment. One week can be wrapped up nicely with a bow on top but then you have another decision to make...another commitment for another whole week.