It's Impossible

Maybe I haven't said it out loud but my brain has thought it...a hundred times (...ok fine, more than a hundred). Things have seemed impossible at many points throughout this journey.

1. God leading us to international adoption
2. Not taking a single dollar of debt yet having just what we needed. For. Every. Single. Invoice.
3. Getting a referral after Ghana banned adoptions
4. Passing court after Ghana banned adoptions

But here we are. Just a few days home from our second trip to Ghana. And Im no longer thinking about that kind of impossible. I have more peace in my heart than I have ever known. The stress and uncertainty has been replaced by excitement and intrigue.

The kind of impossible I want to talk about now relates to my gross inadequacies at describing what exactly happened over the past few weeks.

Note: While there, we received some very direct words of caution about how much we share publicly about the details of our adoption experience. While mostly I feel like this is just Satan trying to keep us from singing our praises, I do realize and respect that the adoption climate is very intense right now...so extreme that legal adoptions are being confused for illegal child trafficking. People engaging in processing adoptions are often in danger physically and professionally. I didnt realize how serious this was until I saw it for myself. So having said that, please know that my desire to be transparent will be bridled in order to ensure the safety of Kwe and those who are helping us bring him home.

Back to the story. We arrived in Ghana around 8:30pm local time on a Sunday and were warmly greeted by the founders and directors of City of Refuge. You can read some of their amazing story on the website. We hung out on Monday and got a tour and met the staff and kids. Tuesday we went with our POA to the Attorney's office to review the Adoption Decree. We had been told the document was complete but that there was an error and therefore it may not be adequate. We prayed hard that we would be able to move Kwe (by this time we were sure COR was the right place for him). To carefully sum up what happened next, ill just say that in Ghana, us legally being his parents didnt give us the cut-and-dry rights and protections that we have in the US. It was a surreal, extremely stressful and scary and we pray that these new traumas will not bury themselves into Kwe's beautiful soul but that he will heal and be stronger for all that he has survived.

On our way to City of Refuge...it was an emotionally draining day for everyone.

We made it back to COR late Tuesday night and began a completely indescribable week of being his parents. We fed him, we bathed him, we played with him and he slept between us each night. We enrolled him in school, we pushed him on the swing, we colored, we cuddled and we cherished every smile, every laugh, every time he said "mommy" and "daddy".

We became parents in the most tangible sense. It's impossible to describe. I dont know what words to use to facilitate your understanding, your ability to "feel" it. We were in another country, another culture with a 5 year old boy who had known us for less than 4 hours of his life and who we knew very little about. Ive never been so thankful for my professional experiences and education and all the books we read! But none of that prepares you totally. I looked at Chad several times asking "what do I do", "what do you think", "what is he saying"??? It was messy. It was often uncomfortable.

But it was the most beautiful and completely life-changing experience I have ever had. I couldnt have asked for anything to go better. If you would have told me before boarding the plane how much we would have bonded and attached as a family, I would have laughed in your face and called you Optimistic Pollyanna.

Some of my most precious memories:
- the first time he called out to me as "mommy".
- the first time he called Chad "daddy" and Chad heard him and responded.
- waking up in the middle of the night seeing Kwe big-spooning Chad. One arm around his waist, the other in his hair.
- how much he LOVED bath time and broke out in the craziest dance moves when i poured water over his head
- just being still and listening to his singing, drumming and humming
- walking into our room to see Chad and Kwe in their PJ's cuddled up reading a book
- holding his hand as we prayed
- every day seeing him open up and realize that we were there to care for him in a different way than others had.

Reading with daddy

Swinging with mommy

I could go on and on. Beautiful is just all i keep thinking. Beautiful in the deepest, most pure and intense meaning. I love this kid with everything I am.

I know now what people mean when they say they would literally do anything for their kid. I would do that.

I no longer will laugh when people say they just lay awake at night staring at their kids face. I did that.

And leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I actually thought about turning away from the group, grabbing Kwe and running into the hills. I cried. So hard. I haven't sobbed like that in years.

Another juxtaposition, right?

Feeling so at peace knowing that I have seen God move with my very own eyes while being devastated that I need other people to raise my child right now. That they get to see more of his "firsts" and cuddle with him at night. It hurts deeper than I knew I could feel.

Whew............

And then we landed back in the States. I ate processed food, took a hot shower and left the water on the entire time, slept in my offensively comfortable bed and went back to work. I tried to fit back in. I am trying to fit in...

But I feel different. Again. More.

I sorta feel incomplete. A little lost. Like a part of me is missing. Heavy. Sad.

I also feel like it was all a dream. That week was in another world, incomparably different than any one of my weeks here. Did I imagine it all?

I wish I knew the words to really describe it to you...

BUT, we are SO blessed! We have received updates, pictures, something almost every day since we have been back. :) People. That is HUGE. Prior to that we had received only a few vague updates over several months and now we can communicate with him and the amazing people who are around him every day! It keeps it feeling real. It motivates me. It puts a smile on my face and in my heart. He is in great hands. He is with people who love him and love Jesus. I couldnt ask for more while I wait.

Logistically, we are waiting for the corrected Adoption Decree so that our POA can file for Kwe's birth certificate. We will be filing our I600 the day we receive these documents (and absolutely no later than mid April as all our immigration pre-paperwork is set to expire soon). Then we wait for approval (i.e. the US government investigating his background and situation to determine if he qualifies to immigrate as an orphan).  Then we file for his VISA (the last thing needed to leave the country). We will travel back for the exit interview in anticipation of passing and being able to bring him home!

What a sweet, sweet day that will be!

On our way to Church