Angry as hell

Bare with me on this one... (parents who are reading aloud to your children, be prepared to edit/explain)

I am angry. The most angry I have been in as long as I can remember. It's the kind of anger that burns deep in your stomach. Every muscle tightens. You're on alert. Ready to go.

I woke up this angry on Thursday. It's stuck.

Wednesday night I had a dream. It was about Kwe. We had just brought him home and he was sleeping. He was so exhuasted. He slept all night and all day and all the next night. While the hours slipped by I kept asking Chad to go check on him, every 15 minutes. Make sure he is breathing. Make sure he is ok. I was bursting with excitement for him to wake up so that we could do all the things I had been waiting years to do. When I passed by his room, he was in his bed. But in my dream, I never saw his face. I knew he was there but I couldn't quite get to him. There was some invisible barrier that kept me from swooping him up. This dream repeated itself for what seemed like hours. All night it drug on.

I woke up angry.

I'm still angry.

I'm more than angry.

I'm losing my patience for how long this is taking, because it's in the hands of humans who either benefit from it dragging out, are fearful of pushing too hard, or just meet road block after road block. I'm terrified that he is going to be 10 before I really see him in a bed in our home. I just read the angry rant of another woman who met her children when they were 6 & 7 years old and they will both be 10 soon. She has made as much progress as we have...  And there are so many other families who have been waiting years beyond what our days add up to. They are here, they are in country, they are fighting, crying, screaming out to God for direction and peace and clarity. I cant imagine how they are coping...because I cant even wrap my mind around my own current sanity (emphasis on current).

We found out today that Kwe recently had malaria. He was sick and we werent there. The words were written with an err of normalicy. Just another day in the life of an African, right? No big deal. WELL, ITS A BIG DEAL TO ME! We were told that he is struggling in school and doesn't seem motivated. DUH!!!! Let me write an effing blog post about the top 100 reasons why that might be!!!  It makes me sick that Kwe isnt here. And that we arent there. I could literally vomit thinking about the thousands of other children that dont even have a "here"! Sometimes the weight of what I know and what I have seen runs me over. Like the biggest, scariest, heaviest truck you could ever imagine in your worst nightmare. And I'll never have the freedom to bask in the bliss of ignorance again. Even if I stab my out eyes, I can't make myself be as blinded as before. It makes me want to toss aside everything, every part of my life, to go be there. It keeps me awake at night. It greets me in the morning with a rage that claws for action.

Sometimes I want to scream "shame on you!" to the world, whose silence allows this to happen, who mostly sits back and gawks like it's the latest horror flick. "Now, now...that isn't fair to all the people who are doing lots of good things in the world". You're right. Im sorry. I mean to specifically target those who pat themselves on the back for ____ (fill in the blank) and then two minutes later turn back to their lives of excess and waste.

...Then I realize that the finger points right at my own face too...

Here is the truth. There are millions of children around the world who feel alone. They sit in one system or another. Foster Care in the US, an orphanage in Africa or China or Guatemala. Everything we know tells us that children who grow up in these places, who don't make meaningful relationships and connections with caring adults, who don't have adequate nutrition and health care, typically don't turn into healthy, productive members of society. They land in the justice system, they exhaust themselves battling substance use disorders and mental health issues, and many of them die...far to early.

How is every educated person in the world not in an uproar about this?!?!? We should be demanding answers and action and resolution. We should be going to college to learn how to change this. All the media should be covering how this has directly impacted the US economy and the never-ending war in Syria and the genocide in the Congo and on and on and on!  Every resource should be diverted to resolve this social injustice that destroys us from the inside out!

(catching my breath...that was a lot of exclamation points) Whew!

So yes, I am infuriated that children are exploited and tossed aside and used for political and financial gain. Period. There is no prettier way to say it. 

Im pissed that Kwe isnt here to build a snow man, and he probably wont be here to see it melt or to see the grass start to grow or to watch the dogs chase squirrels in the backyard on the first warm day of spring. 

This isnt fair.

This isnt acceptable.

And I am losing my patience.

The line between respecting cultural norms / "the process" and what is in the best interest of my son is getting VERY blurry.

Mama bear is about to loose her sh**! Play time is over.