Getting to know our future "Little Guy": Part 1

I have found it both inspiring and humbling to wake up to such a beautifully simple landscape. Chad and I are currently on vacation with his family in the Smokey Mountains of Gatlinburg, Tennesee.

Since I do not posses the ability to "just doing nothing", I am using some of my time to wrap up the 1st round of pre-adoption education requirements (something that is still relaxing and enjoyable!). We are learning some very eye-opening things that may be true for our waiting little guy (some inspiring and some terrifyingly daunting).  Here are some of the recent things we have been discussing:

• Our Little Guy could be "behind" developmentally for a variety of reasons:
• The majority of brain development occurs during the first few years of life, Including senses, ability to recognize faces, emotion regulation and trust for environment/caregivers. 
• Like a muscle, the brain operates on a 'use it or lose it' principle. The more stimulation the brain receives in the first 6 months the more connections and networks are formed. 
• 50% of brain cells wither or die within the first few years of life which is critical to brain organization and by 18 months the foundations for emotional intelligence have been laid.
• Experiencing trauma (abuse, neglect, malnutrition), loss/grief from early separation with biological parent/caregivers,  and being exposed to extreme stress can all effect how the brain forms (with a stronger than normal fight-or-flight crisis response).

• The first year home will be critical for us in helping him to develop connection with us as his parents. He will have to learn that we are not simply another set of short-term caregivers. He may have to relearn how to express his needs to us and that he should come to us first to get those needs met and ultimately that we wont abandon him. Some strategies we will use to speed up the connection process are:
• We will be the only ones to provide his basic needs for the first 6-12 months (diaper changes, baths, feeding) so please dont be offended when we dont beg you to change his poopy diaper! 
• During this time we will be trying very hard to minimize how much he is in the primary care of others (with a babysitter/friend). We are blessed that Chad both has the career flexibility and desire to be the primary stay at home parent at first. While I will transition back to full time after the first month off we will be coordinating our schedules so that one of us is always (hopefully) able to be with him.
• We will play games that encourage eye contact and touch, we will read him children's books about what a family is and how some families are different and we will talk openly about the roles/expectations for each family member and how those might be different than what he has already experienced. 

• As we develop our "parenting style" we will have to keep many unique facts in mind. Common isolation-based discipline methods, like time-outs and removal from environment,  may induce traumatic memories/feelings instead of corrective responses. 

• We will be very open with him about adoption and what we know about his past. The approach on this has shifted 180 degrees in the last few decades. It was once believed that keeping adoption a secret was best for the child and that bringing it up would only cause confusion and doubt. Now it is believed that being open and honest (in an age-appropriate way) is best and that children should know their history and culture. We want to respect and honor who he is and where he came from and help him to exercise his rights to be the keeper of that information and share it as he feels comfortable in doing. 

Stay tuned for more in this series!

Evolution

There are lots of changes in our lives right now...not like the "let's paint the walls" change, or the "maybe we should try a new restaurant tonight" change but the kind that force you to reconsider your view of the world as you know it. Here are just 3:

1. There has been a shift in how we see the future playing out. We are becoming more aware of the fact that it might be something we didn't plan for, couldn't have made happen on our own, and might make us a little uncomfortable.

"The more comfortable we are with mystery in our journey, the more rest we will know along the way" - John Eldredge

For example, Chad has been talking about going back to school off and on for a few years now. Over the last several months he has developed this passion for reading (which was never a strong skill of his) and has plowed through several books (including the entire Bible!). That has brought him (us) to prayerfully considering seminary or a masters degree in ministry. In addition, he just applied for an amazing position at YoungLife (in Wedgwood) where he has been volunteering for the last few years. This position is truly where his passion is and would allow him to continue to work with kids who have experienced a lot of pain and loss in their lives but with a ministry focus. It is part-time (which is SCARY) but it would allow him to take classes and be at home with our future child. (note: if you haven't picked up the anxiety in my voice here is your hint and plea for prayer!)

2. We are learning to accept that relationships change...and not always in the direction we want them to. I (Shandra) tend to get pretty attached to people. When I truly get close to someone I care about them passionately and I can become somewhat protective. Ill do just about anything for someone I love, even if the personal sacrifice is great. This is one of the most beautiful things I learned from Audrey. Before her, no one had ever called me just because they were thinking about me and wanted to see how my day was going. She truly defined friendship and I never questioned what I meant to her. In the fullness that I step into friendships/relationships I also expect a lot back although I don't think its unreasonable (of course!). It's things like respect (dont talk about me behind my back, dont screw me over), that I can count on you in a time of need, that you have my back and that you want to spend time together (one of my primary love languages).

The devastating truth is that relationships aren't like a ferris wheel they're more like a roller coaster and sometimes when the ride ends, and its been a long day, one of you just aren't ready to jump back in line...no matter how much the other may want it. 

3. Lastly, its a maturing of faith. An evolution of beliefs. From life being random but connected events that God cares about to understanding that there is a plan that is bigger than we can fathom. Seeing the bits of truth in the phrase "everything happens for a reason" and embracing the anticipation for how God might just catch us off guard. 

For example, an old friend from Calvin that I havent talked to in nearly 3 years has became an amazing supporter of our adoption, connecting us to some great resources and providing unique fundraising ideas (stay tuned for the coolest hats you have ever seen!). Her own experience working in an orphanage in Africa has already played a role in our journey. We are continuously amazed by the people who have expressed their desire to support us: friends of friends donating items to our yard sale, being invited into an elite adoption support group :) and the numerous gifts we have received: from the check that came in the mail a few days ago (you know who you are but you will never know how much that meant) to the bin of childhood toys, 20-some years old that are full of meaning. I have been brought to tears more times in the last month than i usually am in a year!

Little Guy's very first toy! From one of the staff I supervise who also has a heart for orphans. (P.S. "Little Guy" is the official nickname)

My intent on this being a short and sweet post was once again a complete fail. Oh well, maybe next time ;)