Last Monday, the first day of week 3, started with promise. I was feelin' good! Got to work early thinking I would have a couple hours uninterrupted to get some serious work down. BUT, upon my arrival there was a meeting already waiting at my door.
More budget cuts. Significant ones. The kind that potentially force you to lay off really amazing people. The kind that make you wonder about the security of your own job...
It was pretty much a downward spiral from there. Late nights (cough...cough - later mornings), less healthy eating, no time to run...feeling defeated.
It's funny how quickly 'failure' invites itself into your home and life. You hear the knock and crack open the front door. Your head sticks out and you look around for who it might be, but you don't even notice the little creeper sneaking in around your feet. Jerk.
Yesterday, I was feeling especially gross. My stomach hurt, I felt disconnected and distant from everyone, nothing was going particularly awesome.
So, I recommitted.
But I needed to make a few adjustments to my original plan. Specifically, I am now getting up at 6 instead of 5. It took me a few weeks to convince myself that this wasn't failure or laziness but that my reasoning was sound. Getting up at 5 required me to go to bed between 9:30 and 10. Many nights, Chad would have just gotten home an hour before that so we were consistently having less time just to catch up on life. Not healthy for our relationship. I felt less safe running at 5 as there is literally no one up and about yet. 6 is so much different! Restaurants are opening, lots of people are driving around and I can catch a buzz from the blossoming city energy. That extra hour of sleep minimizes my 'crash' in the afternoon and allows my brain to function from the hours of 7-9pm.
6am is better for my lifestyle, my marriage and my mental health.
I listen to NPR or TEDtalks podcasts while I run in an effort to learn some new nugget each day. This morning I heard a social researcher tell me that "blame is a way of discharging pain and discomfort". That really struck me. Especially because self blame and judgment come so easily for me and usually result in even higher standards for myself.
So today I commit to just being. Being where I am- which not only means fully accepting the tweaks above but also in what God is doing in other areas of my life. This experiment has reminded me that I can't get so caught up in waiting for Kwe, wishing he was here, and being excited for our future family that I miss out on the work that God has for me today.
"Only I [God] know what will happen to you this day. I have arranged the events you will encounter as you go along your way." - Jesus Calling
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10
A few months ago, in the thick of waiting to hear on our next scheduled court date, Chad boldly shared a conviction that Kwe would be home by Christmas and we would have started our second adoption.
You can imagine how far my big mouth dropped.
I felt like Chad was much more spiritual and disciplined and trusting so I hoped it was true. I wanted to believe it. As the weeks rolled by, he stuck to his guns. Then a week or so ago, he reiterated his confidence to me and with a hint of anger in my raised voice, I proudly proclaimed that "I JUST DONT AGREE WITH YOU!" (To which he simply said "ok", and went on his way). Gggrrrr.....
Fast forward to a few days ago. He tells me how the story of Abraham and Sarah has come up several times. While I believe that God can speak to us through these "coincidences", I blew it off saying "oh ya, a story about being patient and waiting for God. Got it. Blah blah blah".
(Pause: You know how I feel about being honest. Please don't judge, just keep reading. Unpause.)
So this morning, when our Pastor announces that the sermon is about Abraham and Sarah and how bitterness can turn to comedy, I scolded myself, quickly apologized to God and sat up a little straighter. Intrigued about what I was to get out of this. Since this was partly about God's sense of humor, our Paster told us a few jokes (which are somehow always more funny coming from a pastor).
The message specifically targeted these Genesis chapter 17: 15-17 & 18:9-15. He explained how Abraham and Sarah, who were both super old, laughed (until literally falling over) when God told them they would be having a baby. Nursing home turns maternity ward, right?!?! But instead of getting angry, it seems like God laughed back and says "try me!". Of course it happened as God had said, and He even chooses the baby's name, Isaac, which means "he laughs".
All the while, I am remembering the times I have "laughed" at Chad (and really at God) with my lack of faith and compounding doubts, jealous of how trusting and relaxed he can be. Haven't I been just like Sarah??? Maybe these last few months wouldn't have turned out differently if I had trusted God more fully and maybe the next few months wont go any differently because I am learning this lesson now...but it certainly changed something. It changed me.
It was truly one of the best sermons I have ever heard and if you are interested you can listen to it here: Son of Laughter (by David Beelen).
He closed the message by reminding us all that God chose us. The broken. The sinful. The doubting. The undeserving. He said it's like "being called to play volleyball, but you are just a midget! The only thing you can spike is punch!" - Bahahahahahaha..... Yup! I teared up I was laughing so hard....I'm still cracking up.
We have learned a lot this past week or so about where our adoption case currently sits, who and what is restricting progress, and what people/the world says our future looks like.
So here's the skinny. The 411. The down low.
Our case has been completed, reviewed and is sitting on the desk of the new-ish Social Welfare Director in the Central Region of Ghana. Unlike his predecessor he is cautious, fearful maybe, of the possible repercussions of filing a case in court during the "suspension".
Now remember (or hear me if this is new to you) that this "suspension" is completely illegal! One person in Ghana has effectively halted international adoption without ever amending or enacting a law. This is very much outside of her scope but fear and money are powerful weapons and when used with purpose, vision and energy, they have the power to change a country.
Additionally, our US Embassy, for a multitude of reasons, has upheld this "suspension" and communicated no desire to call it out as what it is: ludicrous.
We have received confirmation, in a few different forms, that our case will not be moving forward until the suspension has lifted. There is a lot of rumor that this could happen as soon as November but some highly respected, and connected, people in the adoption community say they are not confident it will come to fruition for some time yet.
Yesterday, our worker assured us that the agency has given clear directive to the in-country staff to file our case under the "emergency" clause. When approved (rarely) his clause allows adoptions to move forward for cases where the child:
Has special needs or medical conditions
Could "age out" of eligibility (meaning they are nearing the age 16)
Are being adopted by biological relatives
We are specifically filing under the special needs clause, arguing that the trauma he has endured (abuse, neglect, abandonment) has had a profound emotional impact and that he needs therapy, stability and a family. I am not sure if our Power of Attorney will actually get to "argue" any of this though. From what I understand, there is a man. A man who sits behind a desk. This man reviews the file and makes a determination based on his perspective of the child's health, physically and otherwise. I am praying for this man. Will you pray for him?
It's a long shot. It's our agency's last ditch effort. We will have pursued every connection, every person, every article that we have found. There will be nothing else to do except wait. Wait for the government in a developing country where poverty, bribery, corruption and evil poke its way into the abundance of beauty, resilience and hope that is Ghana.
So today is Day 9. I know. You weren't sure you would ever read another word typed by me. Shockingly, I am still alive. Even more shocking, I haven't turned into a grouchy, mean, exhausted old lady (riiiight Honey???).
I wonder if anyone has been curious about how this week has been going. And if you are, I am guessing you are also really hoping I am not going to write about how enlightening it has been to see the world at 5 am or how I get the warm and fuzzies as I crawl into bed at 9:30 at night thinking about running in the cold, dark early morning.
Bahahahahahahah
Nope!
You know I prefer the truth. In all its grit and gore.
So here are some of the details (in respect of your time, I cant touch on every aspect of my "plan" but will rotate topics):
Monday: started out like a rock star. Ran, read, prayed, had a breakfast of champions, got to work early and had huge expectations for all the things I was going to accomplish....and that's when we fell apart. Crisis after crisis all morning sucked away all my hopes and dreams for the day. That day at work ranked in the top 5 most stressful and least satisfying days at my current job.
Tuesday: decided to kick Monday in the butt and run again. Chad ran with me. Twisted his ankle half way thru the run and we walked the rest of the way home. Read, prayed, etc. Felt tested (on day 2??? Really, give me a break!!!). That evening I went out with a few friends who noticed my mood and said something that really struck me: just be careful that you don't punish yourself for something that is out of your control. Whoa! Deep. Sharp. So real and true for me (sometimes) but never said so directly. (I could write an entire post on this)
Wednesday: Walked the dogs at 5 am. Laughed at their confusion. Read, prayed, etc. Received some encouragement in unexpected ways. Had a 4 hour "restructure" meeting at work that laid out an entire job change for me. Surprised I didn't feel more stoked about it, considering its everything I asked for. Felt drained and disconnected.
Thursday: Had the day off. Unpaid furlough. Felt like an unproductive, half-member of society. Got a lot accomplished but still felt like something very important to me had been taken away. Got a little angry. Saw God use it anyway to make me available for a conversation about faith with the most unexpected person.
Friday: Up for 2 hours in the middle of the night responding to crisis at work (of course I was on-call too this week!). Struggled to get up. Felt tired. Pulled myself together for the fall cleaning day at work. Got a HUGE boost of energy and hope when we received an update and new pictures of Kwe (So wish I could share with you. He had THE biggest smile!).
Thru all this, I still found something each day to be grateful for and a small success to journal about. I found it a tiny bit easier to ask for and expect my strength to come from God and not myself. I feel something changing...ever so slightly. I am excited to see what's time come. Intrigue is growing over what will happen in these next few months.
There is something awesome about making it through Day 8.
Sure, sticking to your plan for a whole week is amazing and gratifying but once you have made it thru that 8th day you have crossed over into some new level of commitment. One week can be wrapped up nicely with a bow on top but then you have another decision to make...another commitment for another whole week.
I can be stubborn. I rarely listen the first time. Sometimes I listen the 2nd time. Often it takes 3 or more times for something to really stand out to me. So ideas or thoughts typically stream through my mind several times before I take them very seriously. Over the last few weeks, as my worldly hope of Kwe being home by Christmas has begun to fad, the idea of really doing something radical with this time has continually invaded my mind. Pause for a second. Before we go further, I want to explain "my worldly hope". I dont want you to be confused in where my true hope lies. I still believe that God is writing this adoption story, that He has a plan and a purpose and that He is the source of my peace. At any moment, a miracle can happen and only God would get the glory. Now, having said all that, the fact that I am currently privy to, tell me that 'my timing' may not be 'THE timing'. Like previous times in my life, realizing that I dont have as much control over my situation as I think, I am faced with a fork in the road. I can take the kick and stay down, groaning under the weight of unfairness, bad timing and countless hoops and hurdles. I can become complacent. I can wait. Wait for the adoption ban to be lifted in Ghana, wait for my mandatory furlough days and accompanying 10% pay cut to expire, wait for our debt to slowly melt away, wait for spring to be back, wait. I can accept mediocrity. Or? I can see this as an unexpected opportunity. A while back Chad read a book called "The Leader Who Had No Title" by Robin Sharma. I think it was influential in sparking many of the life changes he has made. I read it (well, most of it) and put it away. A few weeks ago, I came across his website again which led to watching a few of his videos, which reminded me that achievement is a choice. I can resolve to get something out of this period of my life, rather than just longing for the next one. It would be a shame to miss the lessons I am supposed to be learning now and have to go thru them again. Robin Sharma says that "your performance broadcasts your beliefs". If I believe that I have this choice, but cooly accept the circumstances for what they are, bumbling through life, what kind of message does that really send about who I am? I, like Mr. Sharma, believe that your "standards and commitments determine the way that you live". So it's time for a self check. Does my life broadcast the convictions that I hold? I want so badly to say 'yes'. But if I am being completely transparent (and what's the point of being anything less) I know the more truthful answer is 'no'. I have been exercising less, eating worse, swearing more, watching too much tv and therefore, feeling more stressed, anxious, unhealthy and unsatisfied. There it is. The cold, hard truth. Time for action. Time for a change. Its going to take a radical step. A big committment. I often say 'go big or go home' and I think it's because I am not good at doing things half way. It doesn't feel good and it doesn't stick. People used to say it took only 21 days to develop a new habit. The latest research says the magic number is 66. Just to be safe, I pick 84. 12 weeks. From now (Monday, October 7) through Sunday, December 28 I am committing to: Mental/Spiritual Discipline
Daily devotions - a minimum of half an hour with God
Daily journaling - specifically recording 3 things from the previous day: a success (little or big), something I'm grateful for and something I learned
Daily learning - I will read, watch or listen to something that expands my mind or challenges my thinking
Practice saying "no" - sigh...
Physical Discipline
Exercise 5 days a week, Monday - Friday - run, walk or yoga
Eat better - gluten free & as close to vegan as possible (eggs being the exception- let's not get too crazy here!!!)
Eat less - overeating means that your body works extra hard digesting, which wastes a ton of energy
Drink more water - my goal is 70oz/day
No food after 8pm - riiiiight
Financial Discipline
Tithe 10% - I always struggle with this... ill be setting up automatic withdrawal tonight
Spend less - enough said
Earn more - Ill be looking for additional job opportunities to achieve our debt payoff goal ($3000 by 12/28) while also looking for things to refurbish/repurpose/make and then sell to raise adoption funds.
Unfortunately, all of this will not fit in my current life schedule. So, I am making the bold (and utterly terrifying) commitment to wake up at 5am Monday through Friday. (Um, excuse me. What did she just say?!?!?! She hates mornings!!!)
Practicing this level of self discipline for 12 weeks isnt going to be easy. I give you permission to check in with me, to challenge me and to hold me accountable. :) God knows, Ill need the help and support. Through this I hope to find an energized body, a focused mind and a renewed purpose. See ya on the flip side!
As I continue to pursue life, with
Hoodie and sweatpants on, I am made fully aware that the seasons are changing,
some have already come and yet others haven’t arrived.
It is interesting how God in his
infinite power and creativity can craft a beautiful scene out of death. Fall is
a great season, the only downfall is that it is the first sign of winter
approaching. Some of the things that make it great for me are…leaves changing
color, playing in the leaves, football, delicious foods being cooked in the
oven and the aroma that comes with it, delicious beer, pumpkin lattes and
doughnuts, warm apple cider, bonfires, the coolness of night. While these
things bring me joy, it doesn’t take me more than a few seconds, in each
situation, before the cruel reality hits me. My son is sitting in the orphanage
longing to be embraced, to be loved, to be sought after.
I feel so far away from Kwe right
now. Maybe that’s because I am 5,728.7 miles away from him at any given time. I
just want to hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him and how I
would give my life for him. In my heartache I hear God saying, 'You are
beginning to see what I experience on a daily basis with millions of my children
who want nothing to do with me. They are so far away from me and I only long to
be in relationship with them and tell them that I love them.'
We left Ghana on
August 4th and I still remember it like it was yesterday: the smell,
the people, the food, and the temperature. I don’t easily want to forget it. I’m
saddened that I’ve had to be away from my son that long. In thinking about him
being so far away, how much does God desperately want us to come home?!
Speaking of home, I’m thankful to
God for the job opportunity that he opened up for me. I was in my previous role
for 5 ½ years and I typically only had two nights at home each week. This new
position is allowing me more nights at home to spend with Shandra and to also
get projects done on the house. I never had to desire to embark on new projects
because I was usually tired or wanted to relax with the few nights I had
available. My new position is still at Wedgwood. I’m now at ETP, which stands
for Employment Training program. I still get to work with clients but now I
work outdoors doing everything from mowing, trimming, and edging lawns,
weeding, landscaping, and almost whatever the customers draw up, if it is
within our capabilities.
The other change in season seems to
be unique. I’m speaking of fatherhood. The hard reality is that I want to
father the child that God has made me responsible for, but I am still unable to
because of legality and document purposes. So, in the meantime, I’m drawing on
my heavenly Father to prepare my heart and mind for things yet unseen. I want
to share what God is developing in me! Around two years ago God stirred up a
fire in me and now I’m drawing on Him to be my fuel source so the fire doesn’t
go out. I wrestled with God most of my life but I finally got sick of playing
the on and off game. The only time I know things are going well in my life is
when I am closely connected to the Father! "I am the vine; you are
the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart
from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5 This is the testimony of my tree
tattoo! One way I’m drawing from my Father is a passion for His word. “Keep
this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that
you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous
and successful.” Joshua 1:8 I crave my morning reading time, it’s my
morning meal! “Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes
from the mouth of God." Matt 4:4 My prayer time is maturing and I’m
learning how to “pray without ceasing” 1 Thes. 5:17. Prayer is supposed to be
having conversation with God, right? So, why not be in constant communication
with Him?!
We can be constantly talking with our friends and family with all
the technology we have today, so why can’t we be in continuous communion with
our God who defies all human capabilities and who doesn’t need any wireless
device or app to carry a conversation with us. I don’t have to text while I’m driving,
I don’t have to wait for Him to reply to an email, I don’t have to call him on the
phone and hope that he doesn’t hit the ignore button. He is there in His
infinite power and wisdom and can carry on conversation whenever we choose to
start talking! I read lots of books and I choose to read books that challenge
my faith and walk with Christ. Here are some of the many great quotes that were
taken from my latest reading
-“The Circle Maker” by Mark Batterson. “If you want
to keep growing spiritually, you need to keep stretching, by going after dreams
that are bigger than you are.” “Never put a comma where God puts a period, and
never put a period where God puts a comma.”“Praying through is the conjunction that allows God to not
just finish the sentence but to make a statement.”“We allow our circumstances
to get between God and us instead of putting God between us and our circumstances.”
One
thing that Mark really challenged me in his book was to be specific in praying
and to put deadlines on them. Not to say, I have control over this situation, but
rather that when God answers your prayer there is no doubt that it wasn’t by
coincidence or chance. Some may think that I’m trying to hard and doing too
much. I am trying hard because I don’t want to miss out on an opportunity that
He is giving me to share His love and truth because I wasn’t prepared. "But
of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son,
but the Father alone…For this reason you also must be ready; for the Son of Man
is coming at an hour when you do not think He will.” Matt 24: 36;44 I
want to hear my Father say, “Well don’t good and faithful servant!” “And
the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the
least of these, you did it to me.” Matt 25:40 Still others may be thinking,
I just don’t have that kind of time to be doing all of that. Speaking from
personal experience, if you don’t have your guard up constantly, the enemy will
try to find ways to creep in and slowly tear you down. I’m doing my best not to
let that happen! This verse says it well and I’m reminded of it daily with my tattoo
phrase, ‘Life Life to its Fullest’. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and
destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John
10:10
So, I wish I could tell you I have
it all planned out and I know what the next steps are, but reality is I’m
taking this one day at a time. I try to make it a priority to go to God first
to seek His advice so that I’m in step with His will for my life. It’s
remarkable how things fall into place because of that! “Steep your life inGod-reality,
God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all
your everyday human concerns will be met.” Matt 6:33 I want to leave you with
two clips that I love and that have be inspiration to me in my walk.
Just a quick update. We got word today that the meeting with our Power of Attorney in Ghana and the new Social Welfare Director went very well. We weren't expecting to hear on our court date so we were very happy to learn that it has been rescheduled for Wednesday, September 25th! That's NEXT WEEK!!!
This is kinda a cool thing for us because 25 is kinda our number. We tend to like things that happen on 25ths...our birthdays, our wedding anniversary, Christmas, and soon Kwe's birthday (we chose 2/25/2009). AND this court date falls on my brother's birthday (Kody)!
